Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
