If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
