we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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