Whod you bang
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
