Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
