Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
