names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
