Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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