so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
