We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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