If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You ruined the universe
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
