im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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