I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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