I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
