The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
