He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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