hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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