I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
