I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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