hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
