How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
