1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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