so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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