I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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