I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the condom got lost in my hair
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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