1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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