yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
