I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
