He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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