Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
