I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
