My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
