mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
