I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
