I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
