Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
