You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
