he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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