Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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