there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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