So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
