I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
