Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
