She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
