You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
