I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
