i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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