I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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