i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
