I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
did i walk over a car last night?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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