we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He did a backflip because drugs
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