He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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